I have a reoccurring dream where I am trying to use my arms in what otherwise would be a very ordinary if not completely mundane movement. It may be that I’m trying to throw a ball or turn a doorknob; the movement is not what is important in this dream, but rather it is the unnerving sensation of not being able to move my arms that catapults me into a state of panic. Maybe you’ve had the dream of being chased by some malevolent force only to find that you cannot run because you are being mired in quicksand. Either way, the feeling is the same. Fear. Frustration. Helplessness. I wonder sometimes if this is how my son feels when he’s awake.
Jonah came into this world through a nine-month haze of drugs and alcohol. I marvel that he survived that journey. Jonah is a miracle. His trials have been many and yet when I look over these past six years I can honestly say that the moments of breakthrough have far outweighed the long hours of struggle. I guess that is how life is.
My dream of not having control of simple movements has given me a keyhole peak into life from Jonah’s perspective. I cannot imagine fully what Jonah must feel like each and every day that he struggles to master things that children his own age take totally for granted. And then, he will do things that amaze me. Jonah’s first identifiable sounds were songs he would hum. His first hum: the theme song from A Charlie Brown Christmas. This soundtrack is one of my favorites – even when it isn’t Christmastime. He must have heard the CD many times on our drives around town running errands. I remember the moment so clearly because he was humming very confidently, hitting every note and perfectly on pitch. I was so happy I cried. He was a year and a half. He could not speak decipherable words at this point but he could understand music, pitch, rhythm. . .all of it. Growing up in a musical family I knew how vital the role of music was for me and I knew that music would be, for Jonah, an anchor in a world that was so unwieldy.
Today Jonah is six. He is repeating Kindergarten and his progression is slow, but we take the days one at a time and trust that God has a purpose bigger than we can comprehend. The other day we were listening to an old Willie Nelson CD and when the song “On The Road Again” came on I found myself singing full voiced and with much animation (as I am apt to do when it’s just us in the car). About 15 minutes later, the CD finished and quiet descending on the car as the other children played their video games, I heard Jonah start to sing in his sweet little voice, right on pitch, “On the road again. . . .can’t wait to get on the road again. . . “ I can't wait to see where Jonah's road leads.
